Nothing To Pork About

Jane’s Snack & Sandwich Bar, 243 Bedford Road, Kempston, Beds, MK42 8BP

 
My mother always told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say then you shouldn’t say anything at all. I never did listen to my mother.

It’s a cold October lunchtime, I’m just heading towards the bank when I catch a whiff in the air, a meaty whiff, a bacony whiff. Mmmmm bacon. So in an instant it was decided, I would first go to the bank, make my deposit then slink (as much as a fatty can slink) my over to Jane’s Snack & Sandwich Bar and purchase a sausage & bacon French stick with brown sauce & mustard… it’s a classic!

The café itself is pretty smart, the staff seem friendly enough and the food is cooked to order. Now this is where my mothers advice should kick in. Just to reiterate, I never did listen to my mother.

The lady handed me my order “to go” and I trotted along back to my motor car (“poop poop” – That’s a Wind in the Willows reference for all you Mr Toad fans out there, I am not saying my car is shit!).

I unwrapped the little bag and took a bite, well thank god for brown sauce & mustard is all I can say. The bacon was thick but flavourless and large bits of soggy fat were hanging from its sides. I get that most people love bacon fat but not like this, bacon fat needs to be crispy this was as if someone had stuck the dregs of a liposuction operation to the sides of some very poor meat. It was almost as if this wasn’t real bacon at all and that perhaps it had been made in a warehouse somewhere in Kempston Hardwick by some grubby little ham monkey force to work in some kind of fake meat sweatshop. Honestly, I cannot understand how something that had an aroma that good lacked any taste whatsoever and was just plain disgusting.

Hey, that was just the bacon, at least there’s the sausage to… *blurgh!*, what the hell is that!?! It was what you could technically call a sausage but I’ll bet you a fiver that there is more meat in Pinocchio’s pants that there was in this sausage. As a hobby I make sausages and this thing was more rusk than meat, yes there had to be some meat in there but it was pretty hard to find. It was more like a skin filled with mushy grains of who knows what, again flavourless and just bloody odd all round.

But hey, there’s always the bread right?

Yes, there was bread but again there was something odd about it. The outside was crispy (good stuff) a bit like fried bread (love fried bread) but the inside was just doughy as if it hadn’t been baked properly (Paul Hollywood would have thrown all sorts of insult at it). It reminded me of one of those half baked French sticks you get in the supermarket, you know the ones where you have to go home and finish baking it yourself for double the cost of a fully baked loaf from the bakery.

Something good, something good… As previously mentioned, thank god for brown sauce and mustard. If you like brown sauce and mustard and are passing this café then why not pop in and squeeze a few drops in to your mouth before you toddle off on your merry way…. Keep going… keep going… RUN!

 

The Bedford Belly On Tour: Trinity Kitchen

The Bedford Belly On Tour: Trinity Kitchen, Trinity Centre, Albion Street, Leeds, LS1 5AT

It’s been a while since we’ve been up North and even longer since we’ve had a night out away from Baby Belly (that’s a bit of a lie as she had her first overnight stay with Ma & Pa Belly a few weeks back so we could attend a birthday party but still). So it was with great joy on this rather drizzly night that we had bagged ourselves some babysitters in the form of Ma & Pa Belly in Law.

We had arranged to meet Mrs Belly’s brother & his girlfriend in Leeds city centre to go to some street food event, or that’s what we thought it was anyway.

The new Trinity Centre itself is very deceptive. I recall the last time I was here that the entrance was I think a medium sized Burger King sitting between two other stores. BK is now gone and in its place is the entrance to the centre. To be honest I didn’t even think about it until we stepped inside, it was like we’d just stepped in to the TARDIS from Doctor Who. The place is massive! It’s hard to comprehend how they have managed to pack all of this stuff in to what originally appeared to be nothing but a shop front. I was expecting a small arcade of stores but there were loads of shops, a cinema and the Trinity Kitchen all encased in a multi-level building with glittery lights, chrome and glass fittings and a nice shiny finish.

We met up with my Brother in law, his girlfriend and a couple more pals and headed off to Trinity Kitchen.

The first thing that caught my attention was the music drifting past me before we got there then we hit the Trinity Kitchen which quite simply looks stunning. Neon light strips hang from the ceiling, with chrome piping and extractor fans on display mixed in with wooden support beams and metal frames covered in glass. It reminded me very much of the bar from the 80’s movie Total Recall. A live 3 piece band consisting of banjo, tuba & drums played reworked versions of pop songs including Mysterious Girl, Beat it and a blue grass version of Hotel California. While I enjoyed the band they were a bit loud (although I would say that had more to do with the acoustics of the venue rather than the band itself) and it was hard to hear what people at the table were talking about.

The dining area consists of various food stalls, seven of which are permanent while the others consist of mobile units which to my understanding will be changed each month enabling a wider variety of foods and menus. The permanent stands are Chicago Rib Shack, 360 Champagne & Cocktails, Pho, Tortilla, PizzaLuxe and Chip & Fish. All of these have their own unique style.

The mobile units were serving up gourmet hot dogs, Indian food, Stew & flatbreads and Tea & cakes.

We grabbed ourselves a table and debated what each of us was were going to try out. I had a quick wonder round and decided on Baby Back Ribs, Fries, Coleslaw & a beer from The Chicago Rib Shack which came to about £7.50 (not too shabby). Your order is taken and you’re given a pager which will buzz you when your food is ready. There were the usual burgers etc. on offer here too.

I’ve never been a big rib lover, I tend to find UK ribs are pretty meatless but I was impressed with these bad boys. There was plenty of meat on the bone (good quality too) covered in a thick, delicious BBQ sauce. The fries were really crisp and salty and the coleslaw was as you’d expect it to be but it didn’t really fill me up (because I’m quite frankly a fat bastard) so I stalked the stalls looking for my next victim. My eyes narrowed as I pondered my prey… Mexican? Nah. Hot Dog…. Had one earlier…. Pizza, nah, always have pizza… And then I spotted it… Ah, Vietnamese from Pho’s.

I had a quick scan of their menu and decided to go for the Pork & Lemon grass meatball bun’ with vermicelli noodles. WOW! The bun’ was great. Packed with fresh vegetables & herbs. Every mouthful consisted of a different flavour, BANG fresh coriander, BANG fresh mint, BANG Chilli. The heat from the chilli & sauce was never overpowering though and the meatballs had a crispy texture to the outside while the insides were nice & soft, the lemongrass really came through. I really should have had this first as although the portion wasn’t massive it really was just right and would have filled me up far more than the ribs had done.

Mrs Belly went for something from the Mexican stand (sorry I was too engrossed in my own food to nice what it was) and commented on how tasty and filling was. Everyone else had different things and none of them had any complaints.

It is noticeable that there is no beer on tap anywhere not even at the bar. All beer is bottled (I’m not a fan of bottled beer, overpriced and not enough of it).

Hopefully the sheen will stay at Trinity Kitchen as I really want to go back and try some of the other food stands. If you’re out 7 about in Leeds anytime soon then I insist you give it a visit.

But wait….

The night wasn’t over just yet.

I mentioned beer earlier. Well that’s what we all wanted now. Some beer. Leeds has an incredible amount of bars as you might have guessed but I’m not a big fan of squeezing myself in to some noisy, crowded cattle market. I want to sit down, I want to be able to talk and put my drink on a table that some drunken idiot isn’t going to knock over as he stumbles past all knees & elbows.

One of the guys took us down by the corn exchange to a dimly lit tiny building, a small pub called BrewDog. There was a reasonable crowd but we managed to find ourselves a table. We were all hanging around the bar wondering what to order and I was scanning behind the bar looking at the bottles & pumps for something familiar when the barman approaches.

BM – What would you like?

ME – Not sure, you don’t sell Jeremiah Weed do you?

BM – Not mate, anyway it’s a shit beer!

Got to admit, I was a little taken aback by this quite curt response.

BM – We normally sell beer from our own brewery but this month we have some guest beers.

ME – Great, I still don’t know what you sell though.

BM – Have a look at the menu

He passed me a menu form the bar and stepped back.

Menu? A pub with a drinks menu? Anyway there we all were trying to read this menu typed in 8 point font in a dark bar.

ME – No idea mate, can you just pour me something?

BM – I recommend this.

ME – Fine, I’ll take four.

So he ended up serving us 4 x 2/3 pints (yeah 2/3 pints) of this thick black raspberry stout called (wait for it) Raspberry Beret.

Menu Description: The brew day started pretty badly for our man Jim; it took him over an hour to find the Quantum brewery after the taxi driver took him to the completely wrong end of Stockport. But as soon as he got there he was in the thick of it. With Quantum being a one man brewery Jim was tasked with all the mash work, which he’s described as ‘pleasant’. But luckily all the hard work paid off in this quaffable raspberry stout.  

It was (like its namesake) shite! (I’m not a Prince fan and apologise to all Prince fans out there that do not consider his music to be "shite" I would therefore like you to think of your own parallel to relate it too although it helps if this parallel has something to do with either Raspberry's, Berets or preferably both). I’m a stout fan but this thing was disgusting, I can’t even describe what it tasted like but I tell you this it tasted nothing like a bloody raspberry!

Upstairs was slightly lighter and now we were all sat down we could look at the menu properly. The next beer I chose was pale ale called “Jephers The Big Red Dog”.

Menu Description: After meeting up at the Leeds Beer Festival, the Leeds team and Tom from Hand Drawn Monkey decided to go for something they hadn’t seen before: a red rye saison. Loaded with 15kg of fresh oranges and 10kg of fresh ginger, this beer has an incredible punchy aroma of spiced oranges. Named after the canine-ised version of Hand Drawn Monkey’s mascot, Jephers the Big Red Dog has also been loaded up with additions of Saaz hops and a few handfuls of pink peppercorns, plus extra orange added during conditioning.

Much better although it tasted more like a cold herbal tea. After that I went for a “Pirate Badger Attacks”

Menu description: Aiming their beer squarely at the infamous pirate history of Bristol, these renegades have brewed up an Imperial Brown Coconut IPA. A rare style of beer - as rare as a Pirate Badger some might say - this beer was born from a mad idea and brought to life with the help and expertise of John from Arbor. True to their swabbie roots, the Bristol team took great joy in getting stuck in to the messier parts of the brewing process including breaking up hops and lugging bags and bags of malt.

One of the guys had something called “Dark Matter” which was like drinking a super sour jawbreaker, it was great.

Menu Description: After formulating a massive, eclectic list of suggestions from the staff, including a Spiced Salt Beef Bagel Beer (?), our Shoreditch crew headed to Beavertown to discuss the beer with them. With sour beers having a massive effect on the UK craft beer scene this year, they opted for something that was ‘on-trend’ but also unpredictable: a Berliner Sour Stout. The brew was very different to anything Beavertown had done before and was a real challenge - it ended up taking 3 days to go from the mash to fermenter.

All in all there were some great little inventions in the menu, too many to mention here.

There was some other literature on the table which explained a little more about the Brewery (BrewDog) and about how they hate commercial beer (ah, now the barman’s comment made some sense).

The price on the other hand was a little steep. 2/3 pint on average cost £4.50 while some of the other drinks in the menu cost far more. I think I saw a beer on the main menu costing £25 and another one at £17 (mental), for that sort of money I hope .

I would recommend a visit if you like your beers but beware the power the place has to empty your wallet at an alarming pace, especially if you’re buying rounds!

Most of the beers had quite a high alcohol percentage so it only took a couple to see merriment fall over the group, conversation was lively and audible (which is handy when it comes to having and holding a conversation) and the chuckles came plentiful & heartily.

The night drew to a close far too quickly and as we made our way through the hustle and bustle of the young, old and transvestite street dwellers (burly blokes in mini skirts & cat suits ahoy, well... we were passing through the gay corner of the city) Mrs Belly and I both agreed that the evening had been great from start to finish. And as we were driven away (in a car not by an angry mob) I couldn't help but notice some poor skinny lad honking his guts up in an alleyway... "Ahhh" I thought, "Thank Jebus that isn't me" as I promptly emptied my guts in to the foot well of the passenger seat*.



*I would like to note that I this is a lie, I did not throw up in the foot well of the car we were travelling in but thought it would be a funnier end to the whole review rather than "I went home and everything was fine".

 

Sleeping With The Fishes

The Codfather, 14 Bunyan Road, Kempstons, Beds, MK42 8HP

 

I’m not quite sure what is it about chip shops and puns. Why chip shops? Why do they require a joke name? I know “the Fish and Chip Shop” is pretty boring but why not “Brain’s Fish & Chips”?

Does the name really matter that much?

I would wager that more chippy’s are named using puns than any other fast food sector.

The Cod Father, The Chip Inn, The Frying Squad, Rock N’ Sole

What's next?

Cod This Be Magic? Skid Roe? A Salt & Battery? A Fish Full Of Dollars? Oh Cod Call The Police?

When have you ever seen an Italian place with a pun name?

Pizza Piss, Its Cannelloni in Here, Pasta Its Sell by Date

Or a Chinese?

Wok on Tommy, Phat Fuk, Wong Order

Or a Kebab house?

Heart Donner, Donner Eat that, Sheesh I’m Hungry, AbraKebabra*

*Actually that last one is a real place I saw in Ireland once

Or an Indian?

Curry Up, Tikka Tape Parade, Bhaji Your Way In, Phall-Lick

It’s few and far between that’s for sure.

Name aside it was lunch time and while driving through the fresh, colour filled streets of Kempston I thought “yum, I have soup in the cupboard” followed by the though “Soup? Are you a big knob? Why the hell are you going to eat liquid veg? Look, look over there, that’s a chip shop… go there. Look, it’s called the Codfather so it must be good especially with such a witty bloody name like that… go eat the chips you lardy bugger you know you want to”.

While I mulled over the wise words of by subconscious I found by body had already pulled in to a parking space and had dragged me across the rain soaked road toward the chippy, “Oh, it’s decided then” I thought, and as I pondered as to why the bloke in front of me had a leopard skin tattoo covering his bald head instead of hair I heard my own voice involuntarily speaking the mystical words “battered sausage and chips wrapped please”.

I drove back to the workshop and plated up, slapped a bit more salt and vinegar on and tucked in.

Talking of salt & vinegar. What is it about some chip shop staff and their reluctance to actually put any on your chips. They ask you if you want it, you reply positively and then they hold up the bottle over the chips tip it and then quick as a flash whip it back upright allowing about 2 drops to fall on to the chips.

Then there are those that comply willingly but seem to be fighting against some sort of Harry Potter type magic barrier surrounding your food “Expelviniamas”, they could pour the entire bottle over it and it would simply bounce off and dissipate in the bag.

What can I say about the chips? They look good enough but there was an odd taste about them, it was almost as if I was eating a raw potato. Not that the texture wasn’t fine it was just this lingering flavour. Perhaps it was the fat they were using but I’ve never had anything like it before. I don’t think this is the norm for The Codfather since I’ve eaten from here in the past and never noticed this before, it might be that they have changed supplier of something and this is the result. Either way I wasn’t keen.

The sausage in batter could quite frankly have done with a bit more batter, it was pretty thinly spread. The sausage itself looked appealing, it wasn’t some toxic pink that I’ve seen at other chippy’s and was more of a dark brown, thick mince. The problem was that it just didn’t taste good. It didn’t taste off or anything like that but it was just “meh”. This was my first experience of a battered sausage here, in the past I’d normally had Cod which was the main reason Mrs Belly and myself stopped coming here on a regular basis. The Cod always seemed too wet, covered in soggy batter that would limply cling on to the fish.

My other issue here was the portion size. Normally regular chips pile up on a small tray but here the tray was barely full at all. I’m not expecting mountains of chips but a regular portion anywhere else would be double the size. In reality though it was a blessing in disguise since I didn’t enjoy them anyway.

I think the meal cost me £2.50 or it would have been £2.60 with a drink included which isn’t too bad for a lunch time but still too much for a small portion of bad food in my opinion.

There are other options at The Codfather, fried chicken, kebabs, burgers etc. I’ve not tried these so they may fair better but I have no real inclination to return and test the waters again.

Fingers crossed I won’t find a horse’s head in my bed tomorrow morning.

 

Been Spending Most Our Lives Living In A Cheesy Paradise

Marcello’s Pizzeria, 52 Harrowden Road, Bedford, Beds, MK42 0SP

01234 365088

Just in case you can’t be bothered to read all of this can I just say, I love Marcello’s pizza (You can go now). In the past I’ve raved about Santaniello’s Pizzeria but for my money you can’t beat Marcello’s.

This is authentic Italian pizza, this is what you want.

Both of these guys serve up a great pizza and while Santaniello may the cheaper of the two you get more option at Marcello. I’ve found that Santaniello pizza toppings are pretty much the same all round, it’s normally some variation of ham, onions, mushrooms, pepperoni & chili.

Pizzas at Marcello’s are offered in a range of sizes from 10” to the rather fantastic 15” (for the fatties in the family.... get in!). This is perfect since I’m a greedy git and can have a 15” to myself while those around me can order a size that suits their own belly’s requirements.

There are a host of other dishes on the menu and one of my favourites is the dough sticks. Long pieces of pizza dough drizzled with garlic oil, my god, my bejesus these things rock!

Something else I’ve tried out is the Mozzarella Carrozza which is fresh mozzarella covered in bread crumbs and deep fried served with a tomato sauce. This lies under the starters section of the menu but don’t be fooled. This thing is massive! I got caught out by this on my first order which consisted of this, the dough sticks and a 15” Piccante Pizza (Pepperoni & chili). Seriously dude I didn’t think I would finish everything. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “You fat bastard, not being able to manage all of that sounds pretty bloody reasonable… you lardy pork bucket!” but I didn't want to waste any of this, it was all so good. I don’t care if I had to pop all of the buttons on my jeans and make a small incision just under my belly button these bad boys were going down (and staying down I might add… no bulimia here thank you very much).

Just to keep you informed (because that's just the kind of guy I am) there are other items on the menu such as pasta, salads and desserts.

Obviously from the above you can tell I like this place, in fact to really get across just how much I love their food I can tell you that I have (just the once mind) ordered from them 3 times in one week… Yes, yes, yes. I know. Fat, arteries blah, blah, blah but I had good reason (you might not think it's a good reason but I've been over the pro's and con's and justified it to myself, I really had to push the hard sell but I eventually got myself to buy it and now I realise that I should never have questioned my decision in the first place)! Day 1: I was alone, Mrs Belly had gone to see her folks taking Baby Belly with her. Day 2: A special occasion was upon us (I can't remember what it was now so I'm guessing it must have been a wedding anniversary or something) and since we didn’t have a babysitter we had to stay in. Day 3: The Bellies-in-law were visiting and normally have pizza on a Friday so I wanted them to try it out. I think the only (ever so slightly) embarrassing part of the week was hearing “What? Again?” on the other end of the phone during day 3’s ordering process.

The other thing I want to mention is regarding delivery. Most times of the time it’s fine. Delivery is not too slow in my opinion but occasionally you’ll get a young lad delivering and if you do you may find that your pizza is in a bit of a state. If it’s anyone else it seems to be okay but if it’s the young lad then it looks like he’s given it all a good shake before he gets to your door as there is topping everywhere. Honestly it looks like an auto accident when you open the box, tomato blood, pepperoni limbs scattered about the inside of the lid, the faint sobs from the back of my mind “you killed them man, you killed them all”.

To be fair I must add that both my own parents and a friend of mine have told me when they ordered they thought their food was too greasy but I’ve never experienced this myself. I’m not saying their wrong at all but just that it hasn’t happened to me.

In some respects I wish I hadn’t written this since I’m holding off on the takeaways and this has got me craving for a Marcello’s pizza. I tell you what, why don’t you go and have one for me? Don’t you be waving it in front of me though I’ll chew you’re frickin’ hand off sunshine!

Less Haste More Speed

Asia Lounge, 66 High St Bedford, MK40 1NT 01234 365366
 

 

Saturday, the day of champions. I think that’s what they call it, there were lots of cheers from the pub we were in so I’m guessing England must have won the Rugby (that’s what was on the big TV, I’m not a fan but I do notice stuff from time to time).

We were out tonight to celebrate the birthday of a good friend, the plan was to sink a few pints at the Kings Arms and then head over to the Asia Lounge for a slap up Indian. The table was booked well in advance for all 17 of us to everything was going to be all right. Or so we all thought.

You can’t fault the Asia Lounge for its décor, it’s very nicely done out and moodily lit which makes for a very relaxing atmosphere. We were all seated and our drinks order was taken, drinks arrived pretty quickly and the merriment began.

We were given plenty of time to peruse the menu and then the waiter came over and took our starters order, sadly this is where things started to go a little downhill. The order for the starters was taken and then another drinks order, again the drinks came pretty quickly. About 20minutes later the waiter returned and took our main course order (surely all ordering should have been done in one hit).

Then… the long, LONG wait. I should have checked the time but it must have been over 30 minutes before the starters even hit the table. I’m sure I had had 3 rums before food arrived and others had had either 2 or 3 pints.

For starters I’d ordered the soft shell crab: Wild catch blue swimmer soft shell crab, in chilli & garlic tempura batter served with homemade ginger, prune, and mango & fig marmalade. It was pretty amazing, the whole thing was also covered in chopped chilli’s which gave the whole dish a real kick! It really was excellent, the soft juicy crab and the crisp tempura batter worked really well and the chilli’s really set the whole thing off.

I asked around the table and it was a general thumbs up all round. I didn’t really have ask as there were plenty of near orgasmic moans and “Oh man, this is really good” half mumbled comments through full mouths of food to guess that everyone was in fact enjoying what had been laid before them.

After the starters even more drinks were ordered and then we waited…. And we waited… and we waited….

Eventually the main course arrived but, not all together. The main issue here is that there was no organisation, the waiter had a trolley full of food but no idea who had ordered what. He spent much time shouting out the names of dishes in the hope that the person who had ordered the dish all of those hours ago was still able to recall what they had wanted in the first place.

I’d ordered Lamb Rogan, Mushroom Rice and a Keema Nan. My Lamb Rogan turned up first, then about 5mins later I heard “Mushroom rice” being shouted.

“MINE!” I raise my hand as if I’m back in school.

The problem that we now have is that the actual portions sizes are not great, I think had they have come 40 mins before just after we had finished our starters then maybe there would have been enough but we had been waiting far too long and everyone was really hungry and what was now being put down in front of us really wasn’t enough to satisfy the most basic primal hunger needs that had so steady arisen over the long period of time between courses.

I dish up the rice and Rogan and tuck in thinking my Keema Nan can’t be too far behind. All of us who had ordered a kemma nan were thinking this, all but one of us was so very, very wrong.

Mr’s Belly managed to procure herself a keema naan (I wish I had agreed to share Nan’s now rather than flying solo). I was then served a keema nan (or at least that’s what they told me it was), which turned out to just be a nan, no keema, no way, no how just a nan then.

 The remaining keema nans actually turned up when everyone had finished their meal despite cancelling the order about halfway through the main course.

Obviously complaints were raised to the management about the service, the randomness of the serving and some of the dishes had been served cold. We were offered a free round of drinks but since we had been “lounging” now for 3 hours we refused the drinks, we just wanted to go, oh please let us go.

The manager came out and apologised for the bad service and that it had been:

A) The fact that there were so many of us (it was then pointed out that the restaurant was only half full with us in it anyway) Damn it, PLAN B!

A Tandoori oven that had “gone down” which had caused the issue with late food arrivals (are you sure you little tinker I think you’re telling porkies).

C) They just hadn’t prepared for such a large party despite knowing that a large booking was coming in to dine (I suspect that this one was more in line with the truth).

A member of the group asked if they could discount the bill by 25% and asked if that was ok, the manager told him “we’ll decide that” (cheeky git, what he was really saying here was “I will be the one to determine just how much the crap service you were given is worth”). When the bill arrived they had taken off 10% (so a 40minute wait between each course is worth 10%, 50 minutes is worth 15% and 1 hours is worth 20%) but a member of the group asked for a further 15% to be removed which after much toing and froing was agreed upon.

All in all the service was a bloody shambles, a real shambles. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such disorganised service before, it was like a train wreck but a really boring one that you didn’t want to look at as it took ages for the train to fall off the rails, slowly drag itself across the floor and then decide if it was going to explode of not. By the time it did most of the fuel had soaked in to the ground so the expected fireball was nothing more than a damp fart and a puff of smoke like a cheap firework on Bon-Fire night.

The food (which is the real shame of the whole tiresome affair) was bloody amazing! It was some of the best Indian food you could ever expect to have, the Rogan I had was rich and had just the right amount of zing to it. I tried my mates Garlic Chicken dish and that was beautiful. The chef they have is one talented bugger in the flavour department and that’s what makes the let-down of the serving staff that evening so disappointing.

An upsetting part of the evening though was the birthday boy feeling bad for bringing us all to the Lounge. Mate, it wasn’t your fault, no one knew what it would turn out like it did and you’re not to blame. Besides, I think you got over that feeling pretty quick by the way you were hammering down those whiskey shots in The Bear afterwards!

I think I’ll be inclined to try the Asia Lounge one more time but I think we’ll try going as a smaller group next time and see what happens with the service. I do recall going there when it had just opened and having a similar experience (there were only 4 of us that time) but the food is so good I’m really hoping on my 3rd visit (apparently it’s “the charm”, let’s bloody hope so) that they have sorted themselves out on the service side of things.

Oh, and make your portions bigger people.

I'm frickin' hungry!

The Bedford Belly on Tour: McDonners

McDoner's, 100 Carlton Street, Castleford WF10 1EE
 

I’ve been meaning to write this one up for a while but things have been quite busy these past few months that I never really got the chance.

There’s only one thing I’m going to be talking about here and it’s a kebab, this isn’t just any kebab this is the bastard king of ALL kebabs, it’s a frickin’ BEAST! So, what’s it called then?

This bad boy is known as: The Daddy Munch on Naan Kebab

What’s inside: Donner meat, char grilled chicken, 2 x seekh kebabs & diced lamb served on a tikka naan with salad & chilli sauce!

So, what’s the big deal?

This thing is a monster, I didn’t weigh it but you really do not expect the sheer weight of the thing. It really takes you by surprise when the delivery driver hands it over, you know that feeling where you’re handed something and you misjudge just how heavy it is? Well, it was one of those moment. It was like being passed over a new born baby.

The naan is huge and then you have the meat (now those of you that know me are well aware that I am a self-proclaimed meat activist. I encourage the consumption of meat and think those that do not eat meat should not be allowed any sort of meat substitute, there should be no fake sausages, chicken or bacon. They are ours, you don’t eat meat you leave it alone… I don’t eat fake vegetables now do I? I eat all vegetables And MEAT), man the meat, there’s loads of it! Loads of donner meat, stacks of chicken. You can see why this thing is so heavy and then with the huge salad on top of that and the lashings of chili sauce. I’m not kidding you this is a thing of beauty, but looks aren’t everything.

Taste: Everything here tastes great! The donner meat isn’t too greasy, the chicken has that charred edge to it and the lamb is tender and not at all fatty (which I expected it to be). The seekh kebabs melt in your mouth and the naan is a triumph A TRIUMPH I SAY! All that for £8.00. Frickin’ bargain, especially if you’ve just come back from a good old traditional British night of binge drinking. I do have to say though I struggled with this, I’m not sure if it was lunch that got in the way or something else but I am determined to finish it the next time this bad boy lands on my platter.

I’ve been told these guys do another meaty morsel called: The Tiger Kebab on Naan, it’s chicken tikka, BBQ chicken, donner meat, seekh & beef on a plain naan. It’s been recommended by the same friend who put me on the trail of the Daddy Munch so I know my sauce is good (yeah, I misspelt source on purpose, gotta have a food pun). It’s a dilemma though, I would quite like to try The Tiger but then I wouldn’t be eating the Daddy Munch.

What’s a man to do?

Close Your Pie Lids

The Five Bells, 101 High Street, Henlow, Beds, SG16 6AE 01462 811125
 

Another Sunday but this time there is a hint of freedom in the air. Baby Belly is taking a bottle these days and this allows for periods of absence. Not that we don’t love her of course but as any parent will know, sometimes you just need a little breather, oh and I also don’t mean we throw few bottles in her cot and go out for the day either. She is very much under the supervision of an adult. Yes, Today Baby Belly gets to spend some time with Grandma & Granddad while we GET TO GO TO THE PUB!

Ok, it’s A pub and we’re not there to “booze out” just have a meal with some friends. The Five Bells is located in Henlow, a nice setting between Baldock & Bedford (a little past Hitchin and to the left). We arrive and head inside where some of our friends are waiting, we’re still waiting for a couple more, in total (including children… but not ours HA!) there will be 12 of us. So that’s a [pretty good taking right there for any pub or restaurant.

About 10mins after our official booking time we’re still waiting for the last of our friends to arrive, the (I think manager) comes over and starts getting a little huffy:

“Is everyone here then?”
“Not yet no”
“Well, I’ve got this tabled booked out at 3pm”

What I would have liked to have said was: “Oh, well in that case all 12 of us will just piss off and spend our money somewhere else then”

What was actually said was: “Oh, they’re just pulling up now”

This seemed to appease the sweaty pub beast and he grumbled off to, I presume get shirty with someone else (throughout our visit I saw him a few times waddling at speed around the pub getting grumpy with various members of staff).

So grumpy pub beast aside let’s get down to the eats.

I’m a greedy git so I did have a starter. My friend and I both wanted the haggis starter but they only had one left so he ordered that and I ordered the Japanese prawns which we shared. I’ve never had haggis before and was informed it was a bit like a spicy white pudding which sounded great to me. What we got though was more like deep fried stuffing balls, it tasted fine but it wasn’t at all what I was expecting to come. The Japanese prawns were pretty darn good too and came with a sweet chilli sauce, both came with fresh side salads. Portions were reasonable, not too big nor too small.

For mains most people went for the roast but the special board caught my eye with beef & Guinness pie. I love beef, I love Guinness and let’s be fair who in their right mind doesn’t love a pie? Who? Well, I do at least but what came, to me anyway wasn’t what I would call a pie.

A pie to me is filling wrapped head to toe in pastry, cooked in some kind of pie dish (yes obvious). Now what came can (and is) technically “a pie”, it was filling served in a dish with a pastry lid. To me, that IS NOT a pie, that is stew with a bit of pastry. How can this be possible? You wouldn’t get away with this when it comes to any other type of food. I can’t just spread some jam on a plate, throw a bit of bread on it and call it a sandwich. I can’t serve up a mince beef & tomato dish, pop a tortilla wrap on top and call it a burrito so why should anyone be allowed to call this a pie when clearly IT IS NOT A PIE!

Anyway, beside it not really being a pie it was good. The beef was tender, the sauce was finger licking goo (so sue me KFC) and the pastry LID (not pie casing) was flaky and tasted great.

As far as I am aware there were no complaints about the food, I know some were beaten by the portions but I wouldn’t have said they were too large. These people were obviously not hungry enough in my opinion, they need to sort themselves out and get hungry in future.

If you’re looking for some good food and don’t mind pies not actually being pies then by all means head on down to the Five Bells in Henlow, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. If you want service with a smile then you might want to take a cut out of a smile with you that you can super glue to the sweaty pub beasts face (I would like to add that the serving staff were in fact very good and efficient and the girls at eth bar were friendly and cautious too).

Just in case you were wondering (and I wouldn’t want you to go away disappointed that I didn’t answer that one burning question you’ve had running around in that brain of yours) we did manage to eat and get out before the 3pm booking had even arrived!